A Lesson in Digital Dating

I had my second phone conversation with The Gentleman last night. It wasn’t a spontaneous ‘I want to hear your voice’ talk like the first one. (though it was really nice to hear his voice again) It was more of a ‘we need to talk about something we’ve been texting about’ talk.

I won’t go into details, ’cause this could be about anything really. As we are getting to know each other while on opposite sides of the country, things about our pasts have come up in conversation. And something came up yesterday that bothered me. My heart sank and I jumped to conclusions before I knew the whole story. (My usual MO)

2558502acc24c8e34408cf17a7c96a12

Don’t do that. Don’t assume. Ask.

We agreed to talk over the phone that evening.

How to talk on the telephone 3

I spoke to a friend beforehand who helped me sort out my feelings and pinpoint exactly what I needed to know in order to make a fair judgment on the situation.

One great piece of advice she gave me is to really listen to my gut when he answered my questions. Do I get that sinking feeling? Does it seem like he’s making excuses?

And so, like grown-ups (whaaat?!) we had the conversation. And (while being well aware of the fact that he could be saying what he thinks I want to hear) hearing the whole story made me feel infinitely better and I really had nothing to worry about in the first place.

So there you go. Lesson learned. (this time) In a generation of tech-savvy daters, things can get lost (and/or misinterpreted) in translation. Sometimes all it really takes is an old school phone call.

Girl talking on the telephone

– A

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Message of the Week

I know it’s only Wednesday, but I dare someone to come up with a better line than this guy.

I’ve received a few messages like these before, usually they say something similar, a bit of an insult followed by asking for a favour. I have never replied until last night. My curiosity got the better of me so I replied with mild sarcasm.CYMERA_20140910_101040I was NOT prepared for the epicness of his reply. Maybe it’s a line that’s been used a lot and I just haven’t heard it…but it’s too good not to share.

CYMERA_20140910_101148

Now, I’ve opted to protect his identity because I feel like ya’ll will be clammering to figure out who this smooth talker is. But I had to share these pics from his profile.

Yes, that receipt had his bank card number. No, he did not black it out, I did.

– A

The Bearded Nerd

A Tinder Date

I love Tinder for many reasons: 

– low barrier to entry – people who feel that online dating has a stigma or that creating a profile on a dating site is too much work, will be more likely join Tinder because it’s easy and everyone is doing it

– less embarrassment, if you swipe right and they don’t, there’s less of the rejection factor

– based mostly on a physical attraction (you wouldn’t flirt with a stranger in real life if you weren’t first physically attracted)

I also have my qualms about it:

– based mostly on a physical attraction (there is very little to go off of in terms of having things in common or similar values etc.)

– not everyone is on there for the same reason and it’s difficult to gauge someone’s intentions* (it’s known as the “hook-up app” afterall)

– people use it as an ego booster or have no intention of talking to or meeting with people**

– unless listed in the teeny tiny spot for your profile, you can’t be sure of their height (though I find this is the most lied about quality, regardless of app/site)


 

With dating websites like Ok Cupid and Plenty of Fish (and I’m sure the paid sites as well), there are ways to filter out the riff-raff.

Looking for something serious? You can search that. Don’t want to date someone who does drugs? Check their Okcupid compatibility answers. People can and do lie, but for the most part, you can filter out the lifestyles that don’t suit you.

Lesson learnedOn Tinder, you have to ask.


I went out with The Bearded Nerd on a rainy Friday evening for drinks at the Oxley, awesome spot, two patios, great British pub atmosphere, and great beer and cocktail list.

First thing I noticed was his height, no more than 5’6″. This didn’t bother me too much, it’s not like he lied and told me he was 6 foot, just not my usual preference. We grabbed a couple drinks at the bar and chatted. I had decided probably in the first 10 minutes that it wasn’t going anywhere but the conversation was decent and the rain forced us into more drinks at which point I also learned a thing or two that would have been nice to know beforehand.

He mentioned he was also on OkCupid and that he usually screened dates using the compatibility questions. So we went through a few of the deal breakers. I don’t know if I’m a prude or closed minded or something, but I certainly was a little thrown off by some of these. Am I the only one these days that isn’t into the whole open relationship/poly or threesome thing?? You know, after a few years your sex life gets boring and you have to spice it up somehow right? With another person?? Ummmm….nope. (Not that I don’t think that’s ok, if you want that, go for it, but REALLY not for me) Also, I may have mentioned, I’m not into drugs. I’m quite against them. I’m not here to lecture anyone and everyone’s life is their choice but for me, I don’t want to be with someone who does drugs. He tried to justify his choices, but there was no point.

The cherry on top was definitely when we went to leave and it was still pouring with no chance of it stopping. He decided to take a cab home and I was off to the subway. My subway stop was definitely on his way, but he didn’t offer so I ended up running to the station in the rain and lightning….Guys, it’s just nice to offer, regardless of whether the date had worked out or not.

Anyway, all in all, aside from the sex and drug discussion and the semi-rude exit, I actually enjoyed my evening of conversation. But I have learned my lesson about Tinder. I need to ask the tough questions if I don’t want to waste my time.

P.S. Oxley makes a mean Dark n’ Stormy.

– A

*Some people aren’t clear about their intentions on dating sites either.

**Happens on all dating sites/apps, not just Tinder.

 

Friday Favourites

 This is effing great.

If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.” 

(This is why I am ok with being excited about a good date: Fuck Yes)

http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes/


 

I’m always down for poking fun and profile pics. This bearded Aussie is killing it.

http://www.mandatory.com/2014/09/03/some-guy-recreated-a-bunch-of-female-tinder-pics-and-theyre-glo/

06+-+VyRbRoY


 

My latest date spot recommendation? The Beverley Hotel rooftop patio. Just don’t go when it’s a million degrees or you’ll melt into the seat.


 

This is not the first time I’ve gotten a message like this. (Sorry hot friend, but I’m going to start cropping you out or photoshopping you to make you look awful.)

Also, I would love to hear your best responses in the comments.

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My reaction:

hell-naw

Happy Weekend my dears!!

– A

First Date Fashion

Whether it’s a first date or the tenth one, picking an outfit is sometimes the most difficult part and I never seem to have the right mix of casual but sexy cool outfits!

If you’re anything like me, you have a closet half full of “cute tops” you grabbed last minute for a hot date that you’ve worn maybe once or twice.

**I think you should wear what makes you feel sexy but comfortable. There’s no point in trying to look like anyone other than yourself. If your date doesn’t like it, they can shove it. (Or, you know, you’re not a good fit.) It will only cause problems down the road if you put on a show.

I’m no fashionista and in all honesty, I think you should wear whatever the eff you want and be yourself but if you’re looking for a few suggestions, I’ve put together a few ideas.


Sporting Events:

Sporting events are awesome and plentiful in Toronto. Our fans are committed and rowdy. Whether you’re going to see the Jays or the Argos, or headed to a TFC game, it’s going to be light hearted and fun. It’s a great first date in my opinion. There’s the opportunity to talk and flirt, but also the safety net of the game if your date isn’t so chatty. (or not your type)

I try to stick with something cute and sporty. I have a pair of white Puma ballet flats that usually do the trick for standing for long periods of time. I think converse or keds would be a cute alternative. I’m a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl when I’m off the clock so this is my element.

Oh, and dress in layers if you’re going to be outside at night (cool breeze off the water for TFC games or the dome could be open for the Jays) AND, top it off with a team baseball cap for a winning look. (see what I did there?!)

Active Date:

I have yet to figure this look out. I have a potential active date coming up, a bike ride, so I searched bike fashion on Pinterest. Why all the skirts?! I’m not a seasoned biker so I’m thinking I will stick with something like this…

Coffee:

I feel like coffee dates for first dates are becoming the norm, especially for online dating. It’s kind of like the pre-date date to determine if you want to go on a real first date. Sometimes it’s the prelude to dinner or another activity but it’s also a buffer so you can get out if it’s not a good match.

I try to keep my coffee date looks casual and rarely do activities after (save the real first date for another night) Again, I’m all for jeans and a cute top or blouse. I have a favourite pair of Levi’s boyfriend jeans from a bazillion years ago that are my go to.

After Work Drinks:

This one is tricky because you have to look good ALL DAMN DAY. (not my forte) And this look only works if your day job includes working at a stuffy office like moi.

Hint: bring deodorant, your toothbrush and toothpaste, and your make-up to touch up post work before heading out for this date.

I usually opt for a pencil skirt and blouse with heels. A slouchy belted shirtdress, à la numero 3 (pictured below), is another great option and allows some eating room. Pencil skirts don’t hide much of the lower belly pooch if you know what I mean.

Dinner:

My go to outfit for dinner dates as of late has been this Joe Fresh dress in white and navy (pictured in the centre below) with a jean jacket and depending on the boy in question, wedges or sandals.

Okcupid and POF let you know a guys height, and me being 5’4″, more often than not I can wear heels. With Tinder, unless they’ve listed it in their blurb, I play it safe in flats. If you don’t give a sh*t, wear whatever you want!!

The following are other great options. If I know I’m going to be eating, I tend to opt for a shift dress to hide my food baby like the first two options below. (Eating seems to be a real concern for me) The best part about dresses, is you can throw on heels if you’re going somewhere a little fancier, or flats for some casual sushi. Mmmm….sushi.

Do you have another type of date you need help with an outfit for?? Let me know in the comments and we’ll help you out!

– A

What to Wear When it’s Hella Hot Out

While it hasn’t exactly been a scorcher of a summer here in Toronto, yesterday was one of those heat alert days! What’s a girl to do when it’s a hot summer day and she has a hot date?!


If you’re ballsy enough to go to the beach for a date, (you sexy minx, you!) wear a cute suit and cool off in the water. Don’t forget the sunscreen!

If you’re super confident, how about a loose crop top and cut-offs for a casual date? Those damn thighs are gonna rub no matter what you wear, am I right? Want to cover up a bit more? Loose fitting top tucked in a bit with cut-offs works just as well!

Ladies, MAXI DRESSES! They are like pajamas but you still look fancy. Just go with a pattern or a darker colour to hide the under boob sweat, k?

Or if you’re short like me and feel frumpy in a maxi, try something short. The less form fitting the better.

You’re welcome!

– A

The Professor

Well the cat is out of the bag guys. I’m not perfect. Shocking, I know. I had a fairly decent date on Saturday night and I blew it. Mind you, even though the date itself went well, I wasn’t planning on a second anyway. But man, did I create an awkward situation.

Let’s back it up. The professor from Tinder. Nerdy, cute, successful. We went to The Beaver for drinks on the patio, had good conversation and then he walked me to the bus so I could “head home”.

Let’s back this up even further. I’m not generally the type to date many people at once. I feel weird even talking to more than one person I’m interested in. I also have a habit of becoming “attached” to a guy I’m dating/like quite quickly. So on the advice of a few friends, and in order to keep this blog interesting, I’m branching out and trying to meet more people. So, that night I had the date with The Professor, I also was attempting to make plans with The Chef (more on that when we have a real date)

Anywho, when I got on the bus and said goodnight to The Professor, I hopped off a couple stops later near The Chef’s restaurant to see if he was around. I really had to use the ladies room and was feeling parched so I went into Subway and grabbed a water. When I walked out who did I run into, but The Professor! I didn’t know what to say so I stammered “I had to grab a water” (I thought this line was comparable to “I carried a watermelon”) He said something about meeting up with a friend and we awkwardly left it at that and went our separate ways. I’m pretty sure he was also off to a second date but I had fully lied that I was going home. It was so awkward it physically hurt.

Lesson learned: I’m not very suave. And if you’re going to go on two dates in one night, make the second one on the other side of the city (or the planet) just to be safe.

-A

 

EDIT: My awkwardness wasn’t off-putting enough apparently. Got this message from the professor…

Curious, would you rather be told the truth (ie. there wasn’t a connection so no thanks) or a little white lie (I’m not ready to date)??

Also, who says “most happy”??

– A