The Gentleman Part Two

An Update:

I apologize for the lack of content. It’s been kind of difficult to come up with posts since my relationship is currently mostly with my phone. The Gentleman was away for 24 days, home for 3, and left again this morning for another 24. But, I’m trying not to dwell on it too much because we had so much fun while he was here.

Monday

I picked him up at the airport bright and early Monday morning before work. Post-work we did our civic duty and voted before heading to dinner at Wild Burger. At first I thought it was going to be like Burger Priest or Gangster Burger but it isn’t. Of the 18 burgers on the menu, only two of them are beef. The others range from portobello mushrooms or lentils to venison, camel, and ostrich options. I ventured a bit outside my comfort zone and had kangaroo and it was amazing. And to top off the night, we watched the Oilers and Habs duke it out over pints at The Fox.

Tuesday

I think Tuesday evening had to be my favourite night. We were supposed to go to a show but both being completely exhausted we opted to order in sushi and watch the first three episodes of Walking Dead season 5. Perfect date night imho.

Wednesday

And finally last night we had dinner out at Coquine which was absolutely delicious. I highly recommend the Crevettes et Coquilles (shrimp & scallops) This morning I saw him off before heading to work and am waiting for his plane to land as I type this. 24 days. His work situation is not permanent thank goodness but I have to wonder if Toronto is where he sees himself staying after this is all over. I know I should be enjoying the time we have together and not worry about “what would happen if” scenarios but I also don’t want waste time or risk getting my feelings hurt badly if I can avoid it. So to you internet, how early is too early to talk about the long term in a new long distance relationship?

– A

Edit:

I called in a favour to make sure he got some extra legroom (being 6’3″ I would imagine it can get cramped) and a meal which allegedly turned into all you can eat sandwiches of which he had three during a four hour flight. Boy can eat.

A Lesson in Digital Dating

I had my second phone conversation with The Gentleman last night. It wasn’t a spontaneous ‘I want to hear your voice’ talk like the first one. (though it was really nice to hear his voice again) It was more of a ‘we need to talk about something we’ve been texting about’ talk.

I won’t go into details, ’cause this could be about anything really. As we are getting to know each other while on opposite sides of the country, things about our pasts have come up in conversation. And something came up yesterday that bothered me. My heart sank and I jumped to conclusions before I knew the whole story. (My usual MO)

Don’t do that. Don’t assume. Ask.

We agreed to talk over the phone that evening.

I spoke to a friend beforehand who helped me sort out my feelings and pinpoint exactly what I needed to know in order to make a fair judgment on the situation.

One great piece of advice she gave me is to really listen to my gut when he answered my questions. Do I get that sinking feeling? Does it seem like he’s making excuses?

And so, like grown-ups (whaaat?!) we had the conversation. And (while being well aware of the fact that he could be saying what he thinks I want to hear) hearing the whole story made me feel infinitely better and I really had nothing to worry about in the first place.

So there you go. Lesson learned. (this time) In a generation of tech-savvy daters, things can get lost (and/or misinterpreted) in translation. Sometimes all it really takes is an old school phone call.

– A

Friday Favourites

Not only is it Friday, but it’s also Thanksgiving weekend! (my favourite) Here’s this week’s roundup for Friday Favourites:

Date ideas? I got ’em!

From The One Night Stand girls: Fav First Date Locations in Toronto

From Blog TO: Top 10 bars for checking out up and coming bands (and for a third or fourth date IMHO)

and from Blog TO again: Top 10 things to do outdoors this fall (skating = great date, especially if you pull the adorable “I don’t know how to skate” bit)

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Why Girls Swipe Left on Guys

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Hilarious, only on my phone the contacts aren’t “Tinder” they are “Beard” I have Andrew Beard, Mike Beard, and Sean Beard, to name a few.

This article about how to stop overthinking relationships came just a little late for me overthinking that thing with The Gentleman from yesterday.

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The dreaded group shots. Guys, we’re going to swipe left if we have to play Where’s Waldo.

Good things about the beard? Face pillow.

#sorrynotsorry for all the beard humor. Got the B on my mind.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

– A

The Disclaimer

Lately I’ve been thinking about adding a disclaimer to my profiles.

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Actually, I recently “hid” all three of my online dating profiles and cancelled some upcoming dates to give this thing with The Gentleman a chance.  As i’ve said before, I feel weird dating multiple people at once, especially if I’m excited about a person.

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However, if I end up re-activating these profiles, I have been feeling the need to list my deal-breakers. In the past, I felt profiles with disclaimers were cynical but now I feel they are necessary to weed out the crazies avoid wasting peoples time.

For instance, no drugs please. This is not a guideline but a deal-breaker for me. I don’t want you to try to convince me otherwise, simply respect it and move on to someone who is more 420 friendly.

I recently had a fellow message me about how fed up he was with all these feminists…why bother talking to me? We clearly aren’t going to get along.

So here is my work in progress disclaimer:

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Disclaimer: I dislike adding this to my profile and in no way want to come across as cynical but just to save us both some time, some tips. 

– Drug users and alcoholics need not apply.

– Not into poly or meeting your girlfriend.

– I am a feminist, if you’re not, don’t bother, we won’t get along.

– Please don’t ask me about my friends. Yes, they are gorgeous, no, they don’t want to date you.

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What do you think? Any to add? Is listing your deal-breakers being picky or smart? Would you be turned off someone’s profile if they had them listed? Does it make people sound cynical or do you appreciate them cutting to the chase?

– A

The Gentleman

I apologize in advance for the long-windedness of this post but it’s Friday! Grab yourself a cup of coffee and take a break. You deserve it! 🙂

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After a few lousy dates or bad experiences, a girl starts to think all hope is lost. Ok, that’s a little lot dramatic. But I did consider, for a few moments, taking a bit of a break from this whole dating thing. I am planning on going back to school for my masters soon anyway; perfect timing for a break, right?

These thoughts came about after losing a so-called friend, having an awesome connection with the chef and nothing coming of it, and then a past guy coming back, apologizing/saying all the right things, and promptly effing it up again. It can be disheartening.

But fear not, fellow Toronto Singles, there is still hope! I went out with The Gentleman last week.

The stats first so I can paint you a picture: 6’2″, gainfully employed, beard, tattoos, that undercut haircut, and kind of this strange mix of sudo-hipster/super-nerd/metal-head. Apparently have a type….

Side note: I wore a casual dress and heels because, thanks to POF, I knew he was massively tall which meant that I could wear heels and still be way shorter than him.

It was kind of a weird date because beforehand, he was meeting with some old family friend for drinks to talk business and I can only assume it turned into some sort of Mad Men drink-fest because when I showed up at The Drake, the two of them were a little lot tipsy. Not ideal, but kind of hilarious and he came across right away as very sweet, so I stayed.

After a few awkward moments waiting for the friend to leave, we had a drink and then decided to go get food. We hopped in a cab and went to Paese King Street for my favourite pizza, Capicollo. Seriously, just try it. You’re welcome.

By the time we finished up there, it was way past my bedtime and even though he tried to get me to go to Bar Hop for oysters, I managed to convince him we’d do that another time. So we headed home. And by that I mean he walked me all the way to my door, gave me a hug, and turned around and left. It’s not a huge deal, but I for sure make a mental note when guys don’t do this and instead leave me to fend for myself or try to get invited in.

Post date he texted me straight away asking to see me again, and apologizing again for his “state”. We met for tea the following week (I was quite sick) and then he came over another night to meet my dogs and watch some Walking Dead. Three “dates” (the other two were more like hangouts) and not a single move. Impressive.

Then the night before he flew out for work – he is a project manager on a rig in Alberta – I dropped by to say goodbye and finally worked up the nerve to give him a quick kiss. Only, it wasn’t easy to find his mouth behind all that beard. He has a bottom lip but I’m not sure about a top lip.

Again, he texted me immediately, first apologizing for not initiating said kiss but also saying he hadn’t wanted to come across as aggressive. Silly boy. His self deprecating humor is kind of funny, but I kind of want him to take charge a bit more and stop being so apologetic. Maybe that will come.

Anyway, I’ll wrap this up with last night: he arrived in Alberta and is texting me all evening and just as I’m getting to bed, he calls. On the phone.

I’ll leave it at that for now. I won’t see him for another few weeks but if he does something else crazy, like sends me snail mail, I’ll be sure to post about it.

Happy Weekend!

– A

Mr. Nose Ring

This date story itself isn’t all that exciting, but it does bring up an interesting issue about something that I’ve encountered more times than I ever imagined I would.

But before I get to that, the date. Mr. Nose Ring is a piercer. In all fairness, he had a great job and then went back to school to get an even better job, but pierces to pay the rent while he finishes up his degree.

He is incredibly handsome, funny, and well spoken. I tend to have a thing for tall guys and I was pleasantly surprised that even though he’s 5’8″, I still felt petite beside him. (This is a lesson I will take from the experience and perhaps not be so quick to write off the shortys)

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I guess you can imagine, working in a tattoo and piercing shop, he had quite a few piercings and tattoos, which I don’t mind. (though I definitely prefer tattoos to piercings)

Anywho, we had a couple drinks and laughed a lot, mostly about how accident prone we both are. All in all, a fun time and he was super sweet. But then the bomb dropped. He told me a story about cocaine.

WHAT is with Toronto boys and cocaine?! Or what is with me being attracted to guys who do cocaine!?! I honestly, don’t judge. If that’s your lifestyle, that’s your choice. But ultimately I’m looking for someone I can depend on and quite frankly, doing hard drugs doesn’t scream husband or father material. I’ve realized, especially after dating an alcoholic, that I won’t tolerate substance abuse so unfortunately (or fortunately?) it rules out quite a few potential suitors. half of Toronto.

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I’d love to hear your thoughts. What’s your take on drug use? Is it a deal breaker or would you entertain the idea of dating someone who did something like coke?

– A

A Rant

I know I promised a date story this week and it’s coming, I promise.

But first, a rant.

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A little over a year ago I dated a guy for about a month. It was my first dating experience since ending an awful long term relationship and it was also the first time I think I’d been properly courted in my life. We had a great time together but he ended it after a month because he wasn’t feeling it. At the time I was obviously upset but I got over it and moved on.

Even though I still get a little upset if things don’t go the way I had hoped when dating someone new, I now try to take away valuable lessons from these experiences instead of dwelling on them.

In the case of this particular man, let’s call him Bob, the lesson came much, much later. After a few months of not being in contact, we reconnected and made the friend attempt. I don’t know if this is a steadfast rule, but in my personal experience to date, being friends with someone you were once romantically involved with is not possible. That may be a discussion for another day but it was so effing true in this situation.

Conversations started friendly. We even went for coffee or drinks on occasion. Then, inevitably, sex talk crept in.

I tried to brush it off as “boys being boys”. Does that make me a bad feminist?

Bob propositioned me on many occasions. I should have known better than to continue a “friendship” with someone who didn’t take my no seriously.

Then there were the hurtful conversations about my body. I’m a novice runner. I train for long distance. I do it because it makes me feel good and I love the feeling of being able to push myself to accomplish something I never thought I was capable of.  Bob, a bodybuilder and personal trainer, seemed to think that I should try to manipulate my body, using his suggestions of course, to look a certain way so that I could attract more men. I was floored. Not that this matters, but since I started running I’ve NEVER had a complaint about my body from a man; quite the opposite. And while it has taken me a long time to appreciate my body and accept it as is, I would NEVER want to be with a man who only gave me a second look because a did those extra squats (which was what Bob ACTUALLY said).

But this is all besides the point. Our friendship finally ended last week. I know now it should have ended a long time ago because it wasn’t a friendship at all. The last straw was after months of me rejecting him, he offered me money for sex.** At first I said nothing. I mean, I said no. But when he asked if he had upset me, I said no. A few days passed and I told a few people what had happened. The more I thought about it, the more angry I got. I had been clear all along about wanting to keep our friendship platonic and he didn’t respect that. What kind of friendship is that?

Lessons learned: 1) Don’t try to be friends with ex’s. 2) People can put on a show for a month or two, but their true colours will come out eventually. One month is not long enough to get to know someone. 3) Don’t put up with someone who doesn’t respect you whether it’s a romantic relationship or not….Ain’t nobody got time for that!

– A

**I believe sex trade workers should have rights just like any other job and this would create a safer environment for all involved. Personally, I would not engage in that type of work.  My views are my own and are personal.

 

Message of the Week

I know it’s only Wednesday, but I dare someone to come up with a better line than this guy.

I’ve received a few messages like these before, usually they say something similar, a bit of an insult followed by asking for a favour. I have never replied until last night. My curiosity got the better of me so I replied with mild sarcasm.I was NOT prepared for the epicness of his reply. Maybe it’s a line that’s been used a lot and I just haven’t heard it…but it’s too good not to share.

Now, I’ve opted to protect his identity because I feel like ya’ll will be clammering to figure out who this smooth talker is. But I had to share these pics from his profile.

Yes, that receipt had his bank card number. No, he did not black it out, I did.

– A

The Bearded Nerd

A Tinder Date

I love Tinder for many reasons: 

– low barrier to entry – people who feel that online dating has a stigma or that creating a profile on a dating site is too much work, will be more likely join Tinder because it’s easy and everyone is doing it

– less embarrassment, if you swipe right and they don’t, there’s less of the rejection factor

– based mostly on a physical attraction (you wouldn’t flirt with a stranger in real life if you weren’t first physically attracted)

I also have my qualms about it:

– based mostly on a physical attraction (there is very little to go off of in terms of having things in common or similar values etc.)

– not everyone is on there for the same reason and it’s difficult to gauge someone’s intentions* (it’s known as the “hook-up app” afterall)

– people use it as an ego booster or have no intention of talking to or meeting with people**

– unless listed in the teeny tiny spot for your profile, you can’t be sure of their height (though I find this is the most lied about quality, regardless of app/site)

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With dating websites like Ok Cupid and Plenty of Fish (and I’m sure the paid sites as well), there are ways to filter out the riff-raff.

Looking for something serious? You can search that. Don’t want to date someone who does drugs? Check their Okcupid compatibility answers. People can and do lie, but for the most part, you can filter out the lifestyles that don’t suit you.

Lesson learned: On Tinder, you have to ask.

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I went out with The Bearded Nerd on a rainy Friday evening for drinks at the Oxley, awesome spot, two patios, great British pub atmosphere, and great beer and cocktail list.

First thing I noticed was his height, no more than 5’6″. This didn’t bother me too much, it’s not like he lied and told me he was 6 foot, just not my usual preference. We grabbed a couple drinks at the bar and chatted. I had decided probably in the first 10 minutes that it wasn’t going anywhere but the conversation was decent and the rain forced us into more drinks at which point I also learned a thing or two that would have been nice to know beforehand.

He mentioned he was also on OkCupid and that he usually screened dates using the compatibility questions. So we went through a few of the deal breakers. I don’t know if I’m a prude or closed minded or something, but I certainly was a little thrown off by some of these. Am I the only one these days that isn’t into the whole open relationship/poly or threesome thing?? You know, after a few years your sex life gets boring and you have to spice it up somehow right? With another person?? Ummmm….nope. (Not that I don’t think that’s ok, if you want that, go for it, but REALLY not for me) Also, I may have mentioned, I’m not into drugs. I’m quite against them. I’m not here to lecture anyone and everyone’s life is their choice but for me, I don’t want to be with someone who does drugs. He tried to justify his choices, but there was no point.

The cherry on top was definitely when we went to leave and it was still pouring with no chance of it stopping. He decided to take a cab home and I was off to the subway. My subway stop was definitely on his way, but he didn’t offer so I ended up running to the station in the rain and lightning….Guys, it’s just nice to offer, regardless of whether the date had worked out or not.

Anyway, all in all, aside from the sex and drug discussion and the semi-rude exit, I actually enjoyed my evening of conversation. But I have learned my lesson about Tinder. I need to ask the tough questions if I don’t want to waste my time.

P.S. Oxley makes a mean Dark n’ Stormy.

– A

*Some people aren’t clear about their intentions on dating sites either.

**Happens on all dating sites/apps, not just Tinder.

 

The Chef – Part 2

It’s Friday and I’m clearly not going to be very productive at work so….

Part Deux of The Chef.

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Well ladies and gents. There was, in fact, a second date with The Chef last weekend.

On our first date I mentioned my love of brunch and so when he asked to go out on Sunday, he suggested it. The plan was Bonjour Brioche (my fav!) but it was packed when we got there so, both starving, we strolled over to Joy Bistro‘s outdoor patio instead.

It’s a cute place for a date. Conversation flowed freely. He’s such an easy going, laid back kind of person I really felt at ease. Like the last date, we left and went for a walk and without really realizing the time or how far we’d gone, we ended up back at Yonge Street. We decided to grab a drink since we didn’t have any other real plans for the day (love day dates for this!) and headed over to The Beverley Hotel‘s rooftop patio.

I highly recommend this as a date spot but if you recall last Sunday in Toronto, it was SWELTERING. I was wearing shorts and a loose cotton button down and I was dripping. By the time we got to the patio, he had visible forehead sweat and I was very thankful I had brought my makeup bag. If you’ve ever been to this patio, you’ll know it has some lounging couches which would be perfect for cozying up to your date except HOLY HELL, I didn’t want to be touched. (even though I really did)

Anywho, after drinks (and melting into the couch) we peeled ourselves off and walked around a bit more, stopping at a few places on the way back to the subway. And this is where we shared our second movie kiss. If you don’t know what a movie kiss is, think about those first episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. (YA!)

No new news on a THIRD date but work for him has been crazy (actually) so I’m playing it cool (ha!)

– A